Hello, everyone! So it’s been a month since you heard from me, life got in the way but I’m back now. Thank you for tuning right back in. Let’s start an important, complex, and necessary conversation about informed consent.
Someone on Twitter wrote that there is no such thing as consensual sex because that would mean we consider rape (‘non-consensual sex’) a type/form of sex, which it isn’t. Anything done to someone without their consent is a violation and that’s why it is so important for each and every one of us to understand what consent entails and how to obtain it.
First, we need to understand that consent should always be informed. What this means is that it’s way more than just a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ on wanting to have sex. In the process of obtaining consent from your partner, you need to negotiate the scene with them – will there be kissing involved? Are you having penetrative or non-penetrative sex? What barrier methods (condoms/dental dams) are you using and who’s bringing them? Which body parts will be used? Will there be any toys or other paraphernalia? If needed, what are the safe words? Will you be recording the session/ taking pictures of each other? Will there be a third party? Disclosure of STIs and other communicable (infectious) illnesses, e.g., cold sores, having a common cold or having tested positive for COVID-19, etc.
Secondly, consent is dynamic. Not everything that was initially agreed upon has to be done during sex. Similarly, new things (that were not part of the initial agreement) can be introduced during sex if and only if your partner is okay with them. Anyone can change their minds either about having sex altogether or about a particular detail in the scene that was previously negotiated. When this happens, as a partner you should never create an environment that makes the other person feel bad, uncomfortable, and fearful. This dynamic nature of consent requires constant check-ins during sex: “Is this okay?” “Are you okay?” “Do you like this?”
Coercion is not consent! Coercion is not consent! Coercion is not consent! Coercion is persuading someone to do something using force, intimidation, or threats. This speaks loudly to the aforementioned point about creating an environment in which your partner has sex with you or engage in other intimate acts not because they want to, but out of fear of upsetting you if they say no or change their minds about having sex. This is manipulation and it is a sexual violation. It is NOT sex!
Marriage or long-term relation(/situation)ship does not exempt you from obtaining consent. Many people still think that consent is mandatory with the exception of a long-term partnership. No! And if you are one of these people, please change your way of thinking. Consent is an ongoing conversation and it doesn’t just stop because ‘this is a special case’/ ‘we’ve always done this so I know that my partner still and will always like it’. Constant check-ins are what makes sex great, leaving everyone happy and at ease!
Consent won’t always be sexy. I know someone who told me that being asked if they want to have sex, as opposed to the initiation of sex, kills the mood. It is true that it can and most often does, but it is also true that you don’t always know if the person will be comfortable enough to say ‘no’ once intimacy has been initiated so it’s best to ask prior. If the question is a mood killer for you, it is important to communicate this with your partner and assure them that you will be able to ask them to stop at any point you start feeling like not taking things further.
You could also agree on making affirming sounds or saying affirming things during sex like “Yes! Yes!” “Keep doing that, I like it” to at least reduce the number of times your partner has to ask if you’re still okay with what they’re doing. This means that all the silent lovers out there need to be more vocal.
Just to end off, I want to make it clear that consent doesn’t only apply to sex. Other intimate acts such as kissing, hugging, spanking – you name them – also require consent. We tend to always only think that if it’s not sex then it’s rape, forgetting that sexual violation exists on a spectrum – sex is on one extreme end (the good end) and rape is on another, and there are a lot of other things in-between, including sexual harassment. May we always keep this in mind.
I hope this shed some light on what consent is (and isn’t). If there’s any other important point I missed or forgot to mention, please let me know in the comments section below. If you have tips on how to make consent sexier in the bedroom, please share that as well. If you liked this content, don’t forget to click on the heart and share with your friends. As always, thank you for borrowing me your time. Stay safe and be kind to yourselves!