Why do we have sex?

A while ago on a very routine morning, I listened to one of my favourite podcasts, Asking For a Friend by clinical sexologist Catriona Boffard. In the particular episode I listened to ‘What You Should Really Know About Sexual Desire’ she was joined by Dr. Christopher Fox, a psychosexual therapist, and they were having a conversation about mismatched libido in relationships. Dr Fox mentions that “Why do you want to have sex?” is a question he frequently asks in couple’s therapy because our reasons or motives for having sex sometimes explain why there is a difference in the desire to have sex. He then proceeds to tell a story about a client who was distressed by the mismatched libido she and her partner had. She required sex more than he did and when asked, her reasons for having sex were to feel validated, attractive, wanted, and desired. His reason for having sex was to feel connected to her. At the start of the relationship, sex was more frequent and great but as the relationship got more serious, he got his connection and was no longer interested in sex. She, on the other hand, still needed to feel desired, etc. As I listened to this I began to think about my reasons for having sex and I was also interested to find out what some of your reasons are hence I created the Google Form asking exactly that. Thank you to everyone who took the time to engage! I believe that this topic will help shed some light on how the “why” is very important as it influences our libido and desire to have sex. Let’s get right into it then.

Why do you have sex?/What are your reasons for having sex?

“I haven’t had it for a while now. But sex just helps release any tension and helps with stimulating the body. It has a way of making you feel good about yourself as well. It’s a great way to release any built-up emotions. [It] helps with building a bond with your partner”

“Because it’s a thing in life. I might feel less uptight if I’m having it during wedlock given that I was raised in a no sex before marriage household and it’s difficult to shake that”

“Because I enjoy it and it allows me to connect with my partner in a more intimate way”

“I have sex because I want to or feel like it, obviously my partner should want it too. I like the orgasm…but also before that…there’s just pleasure. It feels good. Used to make me energetic and happy afterward(before I experienced orgasms). I liked that too. Now it makes me tired and happy. But I like the orgasms… it just feels amazing. I feel like it helps me bond with my partner. I feel much closer to them after sexual intercourse. And it just reveals a different side of you, I wonder why. But it does and it’s fun to explore that side and your partner’s. Besides the penetration, sometimes I just crave other aspects of sex, like giving and receiving oral sex. Sometimes I just crave giving oral sex without expectations of my partner doing the same. It makes me feel sexy, I like the feeling, it’s a different kind of pleasure”

“Mostly for pleasure and as a stress reliever. But also for fun”

“Pleasure”

“For pleasure, to feel more connected to my partner, and as a form of expressing love”

“To connect with my partner and also for pleasure”

“For pleasure and lust”

“The pleasure and intimacy that comes with it. There’s a special bond being broken into”

“Stress relief, pleasure and to strengthen emotional connections. Boredom is also another reason”

“For sexual pleasure with a desired partner”

“Because I feel like having sex with my partner. Want to make love to my partner. Craving my partner. Craving the great feeling I get from an orgasm”

“I never really thought about it. But I think it’s mostly because of interest and the pleasure that comes with it. With zero interest I’d hardly have. If I’m horny let’s do it, but if not into it then no”

“Want to be physically/emotionally close with my partner. In the mood randomly (??)”

“Hormones”

“It also helps with releasing ourselves in the equation. For example, some people prefer BDSM which helps stimulate and releases some other emotions and it’s also fun. It helps release my ‘other’ self. Inserts a sense of dominance”

“Primarily – for pleasure. Secondary – procreation”

“To develop an intimate connection with my partner. It’s an expression of love. It is also a form of pleasure”

“At first, I had sex because I was curious. I now have sex because I want to experience an orgasm. I want to feel that. I also really do enjoy having my man inside me”

“I like the intimacy”

“Horniness, sexual attraction, and lust”

“For pleasure and to feel desired”

“For pleasure, as an expression of love or to feel more connected to my partner”

“I was curious about what the person was like in bed”

Pleasure, intimacy and connecting with a partner seem to be a common reason or motive to have sex. At this day and age this shouldn’t be surprising but it still brings me so much joy that we have more agency & are more vocal about our pleasure. I can’t help but wonder if we also have sex to connect with ourselves – this could be through solo sex or partner sex (who said we can’t use our partners as our sex toys? Spice things up and objectify your partner, use them! Masturbate with their head if you have to. Could be fun ).

Sex for stress/tension relief? I concur! Bored? Have sex. Have sex to say ‘Hi’ to your partner/to show how much you’ve missed them. Feeling cold? Have sex. Writer’s block and in desperate need of some motivation? Have sex. Motives vary – not only interpersonally but also from time to time. My reason to have sex today won’t necessarily be the same as yesterday’s or last week’s. A lot influences our sexual behaviour but we’ll talk more about that later.

According to the study Why Humans Have Sex by Meston & Buss (2005), people also frequently had sex to experience sexual variety (no one wants to be stuck in a routine), to improve their sexual skills, and to please a partner. Hell, they had sex because the other person was too damn attractive and sexy to resist, they got carried away and it just happened, or because the opportunity presented itself – nothing new right? You’ve seen this before on TV, in the books you’ve read, a friend has done it, or you have done it. “The person made me feel sexy” was one of the top reasons given by women and, listen, feeling desired is probably on the top 3 of my list. This concept has been studied by renowned clinical psychologist and researcher in women’s health & human sexuality, Professor Marta Meana, and is termed female erotic self-focus. It essentially means that women get aroused by their sexiness! “There’s this way in which seeing themselves desired is the ultimate turn-on for women, which suggests that female sexuality has a kind of wonderful autonomy that people miss all the time” (Meana). To further test this hypothesis, she asked her study participants (women & men) to imagine having sex in front of a large mirror and think about how much time they spent looking at their partner’s body vs the time they spent looking at their own. The women, it turned out, would be looking at themselves a lot more than would the men – “women’s arousal may depend on their erotic relationships with themselves to a greater extent than is the case among men” (Wednesday Martin, Untrue).

Not everyone has good intentions, of course. Some people disregard that sex is a fun, consensual activity/form of adult play by having malicious motives. Some of the more infrequent reasons to have sex (according to Meston & Buss) include: intentionally transmitting an STI(D) to someone else, breaking up a relationship (either their own or the other person’s), hurting or humiliating someone. Getting a job/raise/promotion, being used/degraded, gaining access to that person’s friend, having sex as a favour to someone, or because they felt sorry for the person were other infrequent reasons mentioned.

Reasons for having sex have changed over time and have become more psychologically complex. As previously mentioned, a lot influences our sexual behaviour. If you’re in the health sciences I’m certain you’re familiar with the biopsychosocial approach to health. Yup, that applies to our sex lives as well! For the purpose of this post, we’ll briefly discuss the psychosocial bit of it.

Psychological Influences include:

• • Our personalities – personality traits exist in a continuum that comprises what people’s attitudes are toward sex (The Psychology of Human Sexuality by Justin Lehmiller).
    • • Openness to experience – just as it suggests, this personality trait has to do with novelty and the desire to have new and varied experiences
    • • Conscientiousness – having self-discipline, planning rather than acting spontaneously. So, a less conscientious person might engage in more risky sexual activities
    • • Agreeableness – caring and compassionate. A less agreeable person will probably have more casual sexual encounters
    • • Extraversion – desire to interact with other people. It is thought that the more extraverted one is, the more sexual partners they are likely to have
    • • Neuroticism – unlike the extraverted personality trait that is self-confident and sociable, neuroticism is characterised by feelings of anxiety and insecurity
    • • Erotophilia – having strong positive emotions/attitude towards sex
    • • Erotophobia – having strong negative emotions/attitude towards sex
    • • Sensation-seeking – tendency to pursue thrilling and risky activities
    • • Sociosexuality – “a person’s willingness to have sex in the absence of commitment or without emotional connection to one’s partner”. An individual with restricted sociosexuality requires emotional connection to a partner before having sex and they tend to seek more long-term relationships 
      • The first five personality traits listed above are The Big Five. Extraversion and agreeableness are the most consistently related to sexual behaviour.

• • Learned associations – previous experiences or what we associate sex with determine what our relationship with it will be. For example, if scare tactics like “if you have sex, you’ll fall pregnant or get STIs” were frequently used on you then you may expect sex to be harmful. The perceived harmful associations or previous bad sexual experiences make sex less likely to occur. If, however, previous sexual experiences were perceived as rewarding then sex is likely to occur more frequently.

• • Mood state, cognitive alertness, expectations, etc.

Cultural/Societal Influences:

“Virtually all societies around the world regulate sexuality in one form or another, effectively establishing standards for sexually ‘normal’ and ‘deviant’ behaviours among certain groups of people”

Let us look at some of the interesting cultural variations in sexuality, starting with the Himba:

The Himba are a semi-nomadic tribe from northern Namibia known for their distinctive orange-red body paint otjize (a mixture of fragrant herbs, butterfat and ochre), intricate jewellery, their skill in agriculture and animal husbandry, and so many other things. Of relevance to this post is the extra-dyadic/extra-marital sexual partnerships and behaviours that are normalised in this tribe. Livestock is central to Himba life and the women often stay at the main camp while men go to remote cattle posts. Married men may take their several wives to the cattle post or have a girlfriend there. The women remaining at camp are not left needing either – many of them will take lovers of their own while their husbands are away and this is normal to them, it’s not kept secret, and married people openly discuss it.

“More extraordinary still, unlike many societies where only male infidelity is tolerated, women too are relatively open about having affairs. Among the Himba, female infidelity is widespread, openly acknowledged, and in many ways a boon to the women who practice it” – Wednesday Martin, Untrue.

More examples of cultural variations in human sexual behaviour (adapted from The Psychology of Human Sexuality):

• • Homosexuality is controversial in many parts of the world but punishable by death in other countries

• • Before the ‘sexual revolution’, Simbari adolescent boys in Papua New Guinea had to perform fellatio (blowjob) on older men and swallow their semen as a rite of passage to manhood. The semen of older men “male milk” was believed to promote strength and virility

Religion is, by far, the major force behind some cultural variations in sexuality. Ancient Greeks and Romans, for example, believed in multiple gods. They even had gods and goddesses exclusively devoted to sex; Aphrodite (Greek) and Venus (Roman). The Greeks and Romans were thus thought to have been quite sexually liberal/permissive.

A stark comparison to the openness to a wide range of sexual practices observed in the Greeks and Romans is Christianity. The early Christians believed in strict rules that governed sexual behaviour and the roles of women and men in society. Frowned upon or sinful offenses such as having sex before marriage, having a child out of wedlock, relationships challenging heteronormativity, etc were believed to be punishable both on earth and in the afterlife. Women were expected to be “pure” for their future husbands and, once married, adopt the role of being submissive to them as part of “God’s plan”. These strict rules and the harsh punishments as a consequence of breaking them limited/restricted sexual behaviour in Christian communities and the effects are still felt presently. “Because it’s a thing in life. I might feel less uptight if I’m having it during wedlock given that I was raised in a no sex before marriage household and it’s difficult to shake that” – I am quoting this response again because of its relevance to the discussion of how religion influences our sexual behaviour. I am a big advocate for sex positivity and liberation, as you know by now, but there are times when I take a step back and rethink my choices or become a victim of ‘Abantu bazothini (what will people think/say)?’ syndrome. It is difficult to unlearn deeply rooted teachings and beliefs that you don’t necessarily agree with, they always find a way to resurface and they can make things difficult and uncomfortable.

Whether you come from a strict religious home, raised in a community that expects certain kinds of sexual activities to be performed as a rite of passage, or have a more sexually liberated background, just remember that a lot comes into play in our decisions to have sex. Psychological and, especially, cultural/societal factors may affect our sex lives at a more subconscious level, impacting our relationship with sex and, to an extent, determine the type of sex we have.

Now please don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that you should analyse or overthink every decision to have sex, no! You’re meant to be having fun. Feel silly and try new things. Stay safe and consensual, and please fight the urge to settle for bad sex! If you enjoyed reading this, don’t forget to leave a comment below and share with your loved ones. Thank you for joining me, enjoy the rest of the week!